Mohave Daily News: Top Story

The Daily News

BULLHEAD CITY - Paul and Jack have carved out a comfortable routine.

Housework. Grocery shopping. Bills. Mortgage payments.

They go out to eat a couple of times a week, catch a movie once in a while. But mostly they keep to themselves and enjoy their retirement.

“We go on the computer, watch movies, find something to do around the house,” said Paul, 57. “It's pretty tame, pretty boring.”

Jack, 64, spends most of his time at home, working on the computer, keeping up with politics or cleaning the house. Paul does all the shopping and works a couple of bartending shifts at the Lariat Saloon on Hancock Road.

The two met in San Francisco in 1979, while Paul worked for Bank of America and Jack worked for Hilton. They were young, and the partying was fun for a while.

“But once the 80s hit we just looked at each other and went - ‘oh, no,'” Paul said. They've been monogamous ever since.

Four years ago they moved to Bullhead City, lured by the beauty of the desert and the low cost of living. They like the heat, their quiet neighborhood and the friendly people.

Though the men suspect neighbors and others in the community know they are a couple, they've never been insulted or picked on.

“I find that kind of amazing,” Jack said.

But they don't flaunt their relationship when they go out in public, hold hands or sit close together in a booth. It's one of the differences they've noticed between themselves and younger gay couples.

“I think that's one of the things that we don't get, is the freedom that they have,” Jack said, remembering the more stringent social constraints of the past. “No establishment was behind you, you were just out on your own.”

Acceptance of the gay and lesbian lifestyle has grown considerably in the last couple of decades, marked most recently by the May 15 California Supreme Court ruling in favor of same-sex marriages.

Effective Monday, California became the second state to allow marriages between same-sex couples. Massachusetts legalized same-sex marriages in 2004.

According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, Connecticut, Vermont, New Jersey and New Hampshire allow civil unions that provide state-level spousal rights to same-sex couples. Spousal rights are provided, to varying degrees, for domestic partnerships in California, Oregon, Hawaii, Maine, the District of Columbia and Washington state. And Rhode Island recognizes same-sex marriages from other states.

Arizona does not currently give spousal rights to same-sex couples, nor does it recognize civil unions or marriages performed in other states.

In general, culture in urban and metropolitan areas has grown tolerant of the gay and lesbian lifestyle and assimilated it into the fabric of business, fashion, nightlife and entertainment. Couples are comfortable walking down the street holding hands, hugging or exchanging a kiss in a bar.

But things are a little different here. The Tri-state, some say, has a lot of catching up to do.

And being openly gay could potentially invite trouble. Stares, harassment, issues at work.

Many people interviewed for this story decided they didn't need problems, and declined to use their last names or the names of their employers.

“The area is still a little homophobic,” said Michael, 37, who, along with domestic partner Chris, 29, preferred to use aliases. They've invested a lot in the businesses they own and didn't want to take the chance.

It's difficult to pinpoint why people are against the lifestyle, Chris said. Part of it has to do with misconceptions and another part with media portrayal of gay culture. It all goes back to education.

“A lot of people have the whole idea that the whole gay lifestyle is promiscuous, that they're a bunch of sexual deviants,” Chris said, “and that's really not the case at all.”

Michael believes in mutual respect. He's not pushing his lifestyle on anyone and would like the same consideration.

“If there was a surgery or a pill I could take that would make me heterosexual, I would take it,” he said. “It would make life a lot easier.”

He believes the gay rights movement - in its pursuit of same-sex marriages - might ultimately be doing the gay community a disservice.

“I believe that marriage is a union in God's eyes,” Michael said, adding that what the gay rights movement is doing is essentially a “slap in the face” to evangelical right-wing groups.

He would be satisfied with equal protection under the law, applicable to retirement benefits, the right to file a joint tax return and the right to leave Chris, his partner of seven years, an inheritance in the event he passes away.

“The right for me to allow him to make medical decisions if I can't for myself,” Michael said. When there is no law protecting the domestic partnership, family members have the final say in medical decisions.

And they're benefactors to the estate of the deceased, which in many cases was built by the couple over decades.

“I don't think that we're ever gonna see 100 percent equality but I think we're gonna get pretty close,” Michael said.

The situation in the Tri-state has steadily improved in the last years, they said, and will continue to improve. The partners are currently working on a couple of projects they hope will foster communication between the gay and straight communities.

The first is a nightclub catering to gay and straight clientele, which Michael hopes to open next spring, and the second is a Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender (GLBT) youth center providing support, counseling and an outlet for young people who often feel alone in this community.

Many have pointed out the lack of resources for gay and lesbian youth in the community. Without a support network and, in some cases, shunned and ridiculed by their families, teenagers end up committing suicide or hurting themselves out of desperation.

That's something Michael and Chris - along with others - want to change.

Lariat Saloon

A popular country song plays to a crowded bar audience on a recent Saturday night as a tall blonde in an aqua minidress darts through the doors and takes the stage. She's brightly made up in red lipstick and blush, drawing cheers from the audience with her Dolly Parton moves.

The customers, a mix of gay and straight singles and couples, are enjoying themselves, clapping to the beat of the music. Most have seen the drag show many times and know the performers, Las Vegas-based K&L Entertainment, who put on a show at the bar about once a month.

By all accounts the only local venue that currently caters to a gay clientele, the Lariat was compared by many to “Cheers” of television fame. Others said it was like family.

“I try to provide a safe environment for them to be themselves,” said owner Debbie Broten. “And I'm very overprotective.”

From the outside, even the big sign on Hancock Road suggests a cowboy bar. But inside it's another atmosphere.

Broten, who is straight, bought the bar when she moved to the Tri-state 11 years ago. At the time the clientele was straight during the day and gay at night. She turned it into a predominantly gay establishment, but one that welcomes people of all sexual orientations.

There are rules. As soon as a new person walks through the door, Broten informs them this is an alternative bar and they're welcome to stay as long as they respect those around them.

“Everyone here is very overprotective of the situation here,” she said.

And aside from one Halloween night incident, when a few men threw raw eggs at Lariat patrons, there hasn't been any trouble.

When she first came to the area, Broten said she tried to work with Laughlin casinos to bring gay events to the area. But the response was lukewarm, so she focused on increasing exposure for the Lariat.

“I did it to let people know - to put this little place on the map from all over the U.S.,” she said.

Aside from the Tri-state regulars - many of whom are established professionals - clients travel from Phoenix or Las Vegas to attend the shows or fundraising events Broten organizes on a regular basis.

To Broten, the bar has become more than a business and members of the gay community who frequent it are more than customers. She said they've been her friends, family and support network through hard times and personal tragedies.

But many in the Tri-state aren't ready to accept this alternative culture. Broten said she's had people move away from her as soon as she mentions her business.

“I just think (people) need to be educated,” said Lisa Way, a bartender at the Lariat. “The community needs to open up to them because they don't have diseases, they don't have the plague.”

The regulars

Surrounded by a group of friends, Kizzy, 29, and Brandy, 24, drink beer on the Lariat's outdoor patio while drag show performers take a break. The bar is the only place they're comfortable being themselves.

In other places, “you still get these looks - like ‘What are you doing? There's kids here,'” Kizzy said.

The couple have been together for about a year and have already made a lifetime commitment.

“I bought her a ring,” Brandy said. “We're engaged.”

Now, she joked, she's waiting for her own engagement ring.

But they're not in any hurry to tie the knot. In between Kizzy's job at a local grocery store and Brandy's casino job, they spend what free time they have with friends and family.

At times, the relationship has been difficult for family members to accept. It's a problem many gays and lesbians have faced at one point or another.

“I was always scared of what my friends would say, what my family would say,” said Cindy Parkison, 33, who came out in 2000. “(But) I got confident with who I was.”

For as small as the Tri-state is, it has a pretty robust gay and lesbian community, many of whom work in Laughlin casinos, Parkison said. There just aren't many places for them to go.

“We're all lucky to even have this one place,” she added.

And finding people to date is another issue.

Jon Westergaard, 39, said he prefers Bullhead City's small town atmosphere to Phoenix or Las Vegas. But when it comes to finding a prospective partner, the choices are slim at best.

There aren't enough professionals, people with established careers and focus, said the business owner who divides his time between Phoenix, Lake Havasu City and Bullhead City.

“I moved here to take care of my mom after she had a heart attack,” he said. “My family's here and my life is here.”

He said he came out to his family when he was 16 - anyone else's reaction doesn't matter.

“You have to learn to live your life at some point,” Westergaard said. “And if your family and your friends love you they should be happy for you.”

David Lloyd, 35, said he's known he was gay since grade school. After some fights with other kids, his mother enrolled him in kickboxing classes. No one bothers him these days.

A manager at a local restaurant, Lloyd is relatively new to the Tri-state. And coming from a more tolerant, city environment, he said the area is a couple of decades behind the times.

Overall, the situation is improving, but in the Tri-state, it may take some time.

“It's hard to break into a place like this,” he said.

But it isn't impossible, many agreed, and tolerance will eventually take root.

Darin Wildenstein Jr., 22, was familiar with the Tri-state when he moved from the East Coast several months ago to take a management position at a casino. Still, it's taken some adjustment.

“I kind of walked on eggshells when I first got here,” he said. But he eventually became comfortable enough to come out to the people he works with, because he said he has to be himself if he's going to be fully comfortable at work.

“I put myself out there and allowed them to ask questions.” And while people at work have been accepting, it hasn't been an easy transition and many in the community don't know how to deal with the situation. He's getting used to that.

“Coming out is a process that takes a long time,” Wildenstein said. “Every time you start a new job you start coming out again, every time you move you start coming out again. It's a pendulum that just keeps going back and forth.”

He would like to find a life companion and he's not sure if it'll happen here. But career opportunities look promising. For now, he's focusing on work.

“I came here for management training,” he said, “ and we'll see where it takes me.”

Online resources

The Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender (GLBT) center in Las Vegas hosts fundraisers and social activities and provides support for the community.

www.thecenterlv.com

Human Rights Campaign

www.hrc.org

International Gay Rodeo Association

www.ngra.com

Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays provides support and education, with the nearest chapter in Lake Havasu City

www.pflag.org

GLBT National Help Center has counseling help lines for teens and adults

www.glnh.org/find/index.html

Timeline of several major events in the American gay and lesbian rights movement

1969 ... The Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender (LGBT) movement is sparked by riots and a police crackdown at the Stonewall bar in New York City.

1973 ... The American Psychiatric Association removes homosexuality from its official list of mental disorders.

1982 ... Wisconsin is the first state to outlaw discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

1993 ... The U.S. military adopts the “Don't ask, don't tell” police, which permits gays to serve in the military but bans homosexual activity.

2000 ... Vermont becomes the first state in the country to recognize civil unions between gay or lesbian couples, entitling them to the same benefits as spouses.

2004 ... Same-sex marriages become legal in Massachusetts.

2005 ... Civil unions become legal in Connecticut.

2006 ... Civil unions become legal in New Jersey.

2007 ... The House of Representatives approves a bill ensuring equal rights in the workplace for gays, lesbians and bisexuals.

2008 ... In February, a New York State appeals court voted that New York employers must recognize valid same-sex marriages performed in other states, granting them the same rights as other couples.

Also in February, Oregon passed a law allowing same-sex couples to register as domestic partners, and granting them some of the same spousal rights as married couples.

On May 15, the California Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples have the right to marry. The ruling went into effect June 16.

- Information from Pearson Education, Inc.